


Sex Ed For Asgardians (Isn't Exactly Necessary)

by shinyopals



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Jane Foster Loves Science, Jane keeps interrupting sex for science, POV Jane Foster, POV Pepper Potts, Pepper Potts has enough on her plate without these superheroes in her house, Thor Is Not Stupid, Thor is a fertility god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 00:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4327461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinyopals/pseuds/shinyopals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>'It's a condom,' Jane said eventually, reminding herself she was an adult in an adult relationship, albeit a very new one with an alien forty times her age who could hardly be expected to know what Earth birth control was like.</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jane and Pepper learn that some myths and legends are true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as ever to [Niobium](http://archiveofourown.org/users/niobium) for a wonderful beta job!

'What is this?'

Jane momentarily froze, breath that had been coming heated and in short gasps suddenly stopping in her throat. The few days she'd spent so far with Thor had been a near-constant state of mutual discovery. He'd never hesitated to answer her questions, however endless and ongoing they'd been, and in return she'd done her best to answer all of his, even if she was far from an expert on all things Earth.

She probably should have anticipated that getting him out of his clothes and into her bedroom would not be the end of that.

'It's a condom,' she said eventually, reminding herself she was an adult in an adult relationship, albeit a very new one with an alien forty times her age who could hardly be expected to know what Earth birth control was like.

Apparently sensing her awkwardness, Thor dropped his gaze to the foil packet in his hands. Jane watched as he carefully tore the wrapper open and inspected the contents. She allowed her eyes to wander even further down (because _holy shit_ had she lucked out), part of her still waiting with slightly baited breath.

Thor unrolled the condom, seemed to take in its shape, and nodded to himself.

'Ah, a prophylactic,' he said. 'I did not recognise it. We have not used such tools on Asgard for some generations.'

He gamely attempted to put it on, which, as he'd already unrolled it, did not go successfully.

Jane found herself smiling. 'Here, let me,' she said. She tossed away the one he'd unrolled and grabbed another from the box. Thor watched her hands and she tried not to feel too much like a teacher giving a sex-ed lesson. (At least she wasn't demonstrating on a plastic penis that ejaculated water onto an unsuspecting audience of sixteen-year-olds.) 'What do they use on Asgard anyway?' she asked, trying to pretend she wasn't desperate to interrogate him about it there and then.

His fortunately fond, if rather amused, smile suggested he'd guessed she was more interested in alien birth control than any reasonable woman would be after getting a naked Norse God in her room.

And he was very naked. And very, very ready to _not_ talk about science, if what she could see looking down was any indication. Maybe there were some things more important than alien biology at that moment.

'There are many different... many... _Jane_...'

She'd interrupted him by taking him in her hand, ready to put the condom on, and she grinned when he stumbled on his words uselessly before giving up and panting into her neck.

'Jane... if you want me to... explain...'

'Some other time,' she said, enjoying the way his body shuddered under her touch and his hands pulled her closer seemingly without direction. He kissed her again, trailing one hand down to her breasts, then stomach, then gently stroking one thigh.

In the end, he wasn't paying much attention at all when she managed to get the condom all the way on him, and she found herself vaguely wondering if she'd have to demonstrate on a banana later just to make sure he could do it for himself.

~*~

They didn't return to the subject of alien birth control for a couple of weeks. Jane was too distracted both by her work (the after-effects of the Convergence were still rippling through London and causing odd gravitational after-effects) and by Thor in general (he picked up human birth control easily enough) that she mostly just forgot the question.

It arose again when they ran out of condoms. She added them to the shopping list, and, half-forgetting they were on there, sent Darcy to do the grocery shopping.

'What are these?' she demanded of Darcy, when the rest of the shopping had been unpacked.

Darcy grinned. 'They were on the list!' she said triumphantly.

'These are Avengers themed,' said Jane, folding her arms.

'No, they're _Captain America_ themed,' said Darcy. Her grinned widened when Thor picked up the box and inspected them without a trace of embarrassment. 'Contains extra spermicide. _Shield_ ing you against pregnancy. Get it?'

'I can fire you,' said Jane pointedly.

Darcy snorted. 'Sure you can,' she said. 'They had Hulk ones, too – extra large. But given that a regular condom blows up as big as a watermelon, any guy that says he needs one of those is probably compensating for something and I didn't want to imply that about your boo.'

Thor raised an eyebrow. 'Your language becomes more obscure each day,' he told Darcy. Then he took a picture of the box on his cellphone and began to type.

'Are you-?' Jane shifted closer to look over his shoulder. He was sending a group text to the rest of the Avengers.

> **Thor:** Are these official merchandise or are your lawyers being lax in their duties, Stark?

The responses didn't take too long to start arriving.

> **Steve:** what
> 
> **Steve:** why??
> 
> **Stark:** do they have any iron man ones? Extra large, right?
> 
> **Thor:** Alas no, I am reliably informed the extra large are decorated with the image of the Hulk.
> 
> **Natasha:** high five, Bruce!
> 
> **Stark:** I am calling my lawyers to get these off the shelves pronto.
> 
> **Rhodes:** Are the Iron Man ones covered in red paint and blinky lights?
> 
> **Rhodes:** And I think this is a sign I should be grateful I normally get left out of Avengers team shit.
> 
> **Stark:** I’ll get some official ones made and include you.
> 
> **Stark:** WAR MACHINE: ribbed for her pleasure
> 
> **Barton:** why do you even have these Thor???
> 
> **Natasha:** even Steve knows what condoms are for, Clint
> 
> **Steve:** When I was your age, you could get reusable ones if you wanted to save a few cents.
> 
> **Natasha:** ew.
> 
> **Barton:** double ew
> 
> **Stark:** what they said. But I’ll be sure to suggest that for the official Cap version.
> 
> **Bruce:** I'm in Tibet and these texts are costing me a dollar each to receive. I am expensing this to someone.
> 
> **Bruce:** (Also sending a letter of thanks to the manufacturers!)

Thor grinned. Jane tried not to laugh.

'Couldn't you at least get... non-Captain America ones?' she asked Darcy.

'By that you mean Thor-themed ones?' said Darcy, pulling some cookies out of a packet and crunching loudly on the first. 'I did ask,' she said, through half a mouthful. 'Nowhere in sight. Maybe they've sold out.'

'Perhaps,' suggested Thor, 'they prefer not to stock preventative measures decorated with the image of a man known as a fertility god.'

Darcy snickered. 'Or that,' she said. 'I wouldn't trust them. Give me Cap any day!'

Later, the condoms had made their way into Jane and Thor's room. Jane glared at them as she undressed for bed, unsure if that was Darcy's doing or Thor being fundamentally unbothered by the idea of Captain America themed sex. When at last she found herself in Thor's arms, she pulled back after only a couple of kisses.

'You know I'm not going to be able to take this seriously if you end up with American flags on your penis, right?'

Thor laughed and gently ran his fingers through her hair. 'There are alternatives,' he said politely. 'If you preferred we could simply sleep, or there are activities for which protection is not required-' at this point he slid his fingers up and under the shirt she wore, hands sliding softly up her sides and then around, tracing the curve of her breasts and making her inhale rapidly. 'Or,' he continued, 'should you desire and if you would feel comfortable, I can provide an alternative with no need for external devices.'

He studied her face as she frowned slightly. 'Hang on, something Asgardian?'

His lips twitched. 'Not precisely,' he said. 'Something only I can do. I am gifted with certain abilities over fertility, you know.'

'Wait, that's a real thing?' She stared at him, not quite believing.

He laughed. 'It is no lie,' he said. 'It caused much embarrassment for my parents when, as a young boy, I learned to tell if the women were with child before I learned that it was not always considered appropriate to mention it.'

A giggle rose within her. 'You can tell if someone's-? And you said so?'

'More than once, if the truth must be told,' he admitted. 'I believe I once accidentally revealed an extra-marital affair as one of the dignitaries from Nornheim was long-separated from her partner.'

Jane continued to laugh, burying her face in his shoulder as she did so and then kissing his chin. 'And I thought _my_ precociousness annoyed my parents. The worst I did was correct adults on their science.'

She felt his smile against the side of her face.

'The diplomatic fallout was comparably minor,' he said. 'Although my father refused to talk of the incident for decades.'

'Oh my god, Thor,' she mumbled, trying to suppress the last of her giggles. Then she pulled back and looked across at him. 'But hang on, if you've got fertility magic god-powers, isn't that what we're worried about? Like, is one Captain America extra-shield condom even _enough_?'

'A god of thunder can bring thunder, but he can easily make it cease,' replied Thor, leaning forward to nuzzle her neck.

Jane blinked. 'You mean you're saying you can just... magically not make babies if you don't want?'

He nodded.

'How?'

He sucked in a breath. 'Honestly Jane, I wish I could explain my magic to you. It is as summoning a storm – I can feel the ability within myself, but to put it to words?' He paused for a moment. 'Could you explain the feeling of the Aether to anyone else?'

'Hmm,' said Jane. 'I guess not. But, like, what happens? Do you just magically reduce your own sperm count? Or something else? And how does it work for Asgardians who don't have magic? And why didn't you tell me this two weeks ago?'

At the last one, Thor smiled again and leaned back slightly to look up at her. 'To be invited to a woman's bedchamber for the first time and to question her rules is not an action I consider respectful. Besides, it is something of a leap of faith on your part.'

'Fair point,' said Jane. 'But I trust you with my life so I'm gonna trust you to not knock me up accidentally.' She picked up the Captain America condoms and tossed them decisively to the other side of the room. 'Also I don't think we've been dating for long enough to bring Captain America into the bedroom yet.'

Thor huffed a laugh into her shoulder and then kissed his way up her neck and jaw before planting one on her mouth.

'“Yet”?' he said, one eyebrow cocked.

Jane shoved him playfully. 'You better hurry up and impress me or “yet” will be sooner than you think!'

He laughed again, then dropped another kiss on her mouth before beginning to lick and kiss his way downwards. Jane sighed happily, running her fingers through his hair.

'No, but seriously,' she managed, a couple of minutes later. 'Is it sperm count? Or is it something else? Should we collect some samples and run some tests? Aren't you even a little bit-' She broke off with a gasp when his tongue flicked across her nipple, ' _curious_?' she squeaked out.

Thor leaned back from his task and smiled up at her. 'Jane Foster,' he said, with mock sternness, 'this is not your field and I do not think Bruce Banner would be pleased to be asked to run such tests.'

She laughed and pulled him up to her level again so she could kiss him properly. Maybe some things were outside the realm of reasonable scientific requests to make of one's boyfriend.

At least in the early stages of a relationship, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

Pepper looked up from the mountain of papers with irritation to where Tony was fiddling with something and sighed. The purpose of having her own office in the tower was so that superhero business (which included Tony when she was too busy for him) did not interfere with running Stark Industries.

She began to flick through the papers, noting headings and neatly categorising in her brain as she went. Her email inbox was equally full. Her main assistant being off on maternity leave hadn't been as bad as Pepper had feared it might as there were a small army of underlings keeping on top of affairs, but she was still dealing with more work than she otherwise would be while they got used to the new state of affairs.

Deliberately ignoring Tony for a few minutes longer, as he clearly wanted something, she dealt with a couple of urgent inquiries, rescheduled a meeting, and perused her lunch options. It wasn't yet nine-thirty, but it was nice to have something to look forward to.

At last, she turned to her fidgeting boyfriend, who was looking, she now realised, like a kid who'd been caught stealing the cookies. This was _not_ going to go well.

'Pepper,' he said in a tone of voice he thought was charming and not at all obvious. 'You know the thing with the prototype that we talked about last week. How it was totally stable and almost near completion? Well I may have underestimated by just a tiny little-'

He was interrupted by a knock at the door.

Pepper frowned. She wasn't expecting anything for another half hour. And even her temporary stand-in assistant knew that interrupting her when she and Tony were together would probably not be worth doing unless the world was ending. And if the world was ending, Jarvis normally got in first.

'Jay?' asked Tony, equally confused.

'It's Thor, Sir,' said Jarvis. 'Shall I open the door, Ms Potts?'

Pepper frowned at Tony, who shrugged cluelessly. 'Go ahead, Jarvis,' she said.

Thor entered, carrying a tray. 'Pepper,' he said politely. 'I saw you briefly in the kitchen this morning but you did not have time for breakfast. As I was making some for Jane, Darcy, Steve and myself, I thought I would bring you some.'

'Oh,' said Pepper blankly. Tony was staring. So was she, if she was honest. 'Um. Thank you.'

Thor placed the tray in front of her. It had perfectly round pancakes topped with fruit, a small jug of syrup and some freshly brewed coffee. There was also a bar of her favourite dark chocolate, which was an odd breakfast choice but she wasn't going to complain.

'Oh,' she said again. 'Wow. Really, thank you, you didn't have to.'

'It was my pleasure,' he replied, and she almost could believe it. He turned to Tony. 'My apologies for not including you, Stark, I thought you were in the lab.' He gave them both a slight bow before retreating.

'What... just...?' managed Pepper.

'Jarvis, tell Dr Foster to get her ass down here _now_ ,' said Tony. When Jane arrived, Tony pointed at the plate. 'Explain.'

Jane looked at him like he'd lost his marbles. 'Pancakes,' she said. 'They're a breakfast food. Did the lab roof hit you on the head when it collapsed? I knew I should have made you let Bruce take a look but you seemed fine and you said you had to-'

'Pancakes from _your_ boyfriend, to _my_ girlfriend,' said Tony.

'Oh,' said Jane, ' _oh_ ,' she continued, as that explained all of it. 'Don't worry, Stark, Thor just likes making breakfast. If he was trying to make a move on Pepper he'd be way less subtle than that.'

'Oh, great, thanks, that's reassuring,' grumbled Tony.

'Are you done here?' said Jane. 'I want to talk to Pepper about the budget on the new gamma probe.'

'Well,’ began Pepper, eyeing a squirming Tony and wondering whether to release him, ‘Tony was here to talk about something very important, so-'

'You know what,' interrupted Tony, 'Jane's thing sounds way more important, Pep, you should cover that first. I've gotta go to the gym anyway. I'll come back for lunch. No, wait, I'll take you to lunch. How does that sound?' He smiled winningly.

Pepper acquiesced and let him go. She didn't really care if he'd broken another lab. He'd just rebuild it again. She was surprised he even bothered telling her these days. Still, it never hurt to let him stew in panic for a bit and then take her to lunch on the strength of that.

'You should eat your breakfast, Pepper,' said Jane. 'It'll go cold. They're always better hot.'

Smiling slightly, Pepper dug into her pancakes. She was hungry, and whatever else Thor was the god of, cooking pancakes should definitely be part of it. 'Mmmm,' she muttered. 'Are you sure this wasn't a come-on from him? Because given a choice between honey-I-broke-the-lab-again and here-have-some-amazing-pancakes, I know which one I'd pick right now.'

Jane laughed and shook her head. 'Sorry, afraid not,' she said, then hesitated. 'Personal question, Pepper, but are you on your period?'

Pepper stared at her. This was _not_ the conversation opener she'd expected.

'Sorry, sorry, just thought I should explain properly,' said Jane. 'He's got, like, fertility magic, you know, which means he can kinda sorta tell certain things. Like when people are pregnant. Or when they're not.'

'Wait... he made me pancakes because he senses that… I'm going to be crabby?' That explained the chocolate, at least.

'Something like that,' said Jane, as though this were completely normal. 'I’m sure he’d say it’s something about celebrating fertility, but I've decided not to worry too much about the actual reason. And if you think the pancakes are nice you should see what he does for me! But I thought I'd better send Tony packing or else he'll draw all sorts of conclusions around Thor's cooking habits where, like, Natasha and Maria are involved. And they'll probably murder him.'

'Right,' said Pepper faintly. 'Tony's been making wisecracks about the fertility thing for a while now. I didn't realise it was _real_.'

'I don't think Thor's exactly advertising it,' said Jane. 'Can you imagine if he got fan letters from people asking for his help having kids? It's magic, so it's not like he can just build a machine. He'd have to get personally involved in every individual case so it'd take all his time and energy doing the magic stuff.' She wiggled her fingers vaguely.

Pepper raised an eyebrow. Of all the people in the tower, Jane was about as likely as Tony to fall back on 'magic' as an excuse to not explain something.

Jane laughed and shrugged. 'Magic is... hard to explain. The Bifrost is fine, it makes sense to me because it's my kind of magic, so I can translate it into science and numbers and turn it into something I can use. Fertility and biology and all that sort of thing? I know he can just not make babies when we're, um, together. And I know he gave Darcy a pendant thingy that he's promised will work as birth control for her.'

'A birth control pendant?' said Pepper, disbelieving. 'He can just wave his hands and... no babies? Does he have any idea what that could mean for this planet?'

'I know, right!' said Jane. 'But I've just got no idea how to take his magic and get something scientific and repeatable and not just Harry Potter!'

'Hmm...' said Pepper. 'We've never had too many biologists at Stark, and I'm not sure I want to call in SHIELD's advice on something like this. I do know a geneticist in South Korea. It's not precisely her field, but maybe I should give her a call and see if she knows anyone.'

'We should probably ask Thor first,' said Jane with a slightly guilty smile.

Pepper smiled serenely. 'I'm sure he'll be happy to help. For science. You can help me persuade him,' she added.

'I'm sure he won't mind trying to help a bit,' said Jane thoughtfully, fiddling her hands together. 'I'll have a word.'

'Thanks,' said Pepper. Then she considered for a second. 'Does he realise how much cooking he'll end up doing when everyone's cycles inevitably sync up?'

‘Well actually since the initial paper it’s never been properly verified that women’s cycles do sync up,’ said Jane. ‘Although that just means likely as not he’ll be cooking breakfast for someone every single day he’s at the tower.’ She grinned. ‘And as long as he makes enough for me, I am totally fine with that.’

Pepper took another bite of her pancakes and sighed. ‘At least now I’ve got something to look forward to once a month,’ she said. ‘Even if it is someone else’s boyfriend making mine suspicious.’

Jane's only response to that was to laugh.


End file.
